Shut doors and Wondering Hope

“I’ve wondered about trying to find you” I told him as clear as day because I wasn’t about to lose him so quickly and easily after all the searching I had put in.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m glad you found me or that I’ve been waiting for you?” Liam asked me making it apparent that my work in finding him out was an ill attempt.

“Maybe I’ve over estimated and hoped more than I should have about you and me. And all the things that we could have been.” I responded as there was clear cut feeling of misunderstanding and disappointment in the air.

“Forgive me for trying” I cried out with no tears in sight towards him.

How could have I miss read the situations and our positions? Now I was left to wonder in my hearts broken aches and dissatisfaction of all things. They say pain it doesn’t last it lingers like a rainbow after a rainstorm, reshaping and molding itself into another form. Must I stare down at the pain that calls itself my home and heart I wondered.

“I never asked for you to place yourself within my position” Liam had made clear to me that he never wanted or needed me as he brushed his hair away from his face revealing a brass shell of a man.

“How it must be nice to be you! Your so cold and don’t care for others feelings!” I had it with his bitterness and cold harshness rubbing of me like a knife cutting at my soul.

I looked at the man I had loved and all I could see was an empty pit of regret and loneliness.

“I can’t believe I fell for you” the words had fallen from my lips and there was no room for retracting. I had realized the things I wondered for within him amounted to a world of pain towards me and isolation.

“You can say all you must but I won’t change my mind about how I feel and what I want. ” Liam had made his mind up and I too had discovered what I desired.

“ Go… go as far away as you must and know I won’t stop you nor will I chase after you.” I finally had settled into a clear state of mind and made my case known. I was never being left behind in the world of lonely isolation and pain.

I had endured for so long the storm clouds of misery thinking that I had deserved all that came and nothing could change. How could this simple notion of lack of self worth diminish me so boldly I had wondered? How was I to find my place again in a world so divided and a heart torn?

Liam had left and I was alone but this time the empty space I found myself in was more comforting than the times we had spent together.

He had ruined me beyond my thoughts of understanding and my need to return to his cold hearted arms was a tragic realization. Maybe I was broken and maybe the “we” I had sought out was a figment of a fairytale fantasy, dreamt up by a girl in need for romance and escape.

He was my escapism and I was his nothing but a cocktail of regret and empty misery. I watched Liam leave out the door knowing his intentions of never returning. Now I was left to close a door I could not move or face but within I understood the need to shut it tight.