I had sat over the kitchen counter looking out the window as a familiar song began to play out taking me back to the winter that had passed.
It was finally summer but my heart hadn’t warmed up or least forgotten the pain that had made its way through me like a sickening virus. Sweeping and breaking all parts of my body with no care or thought. I guess I should have know better as viruses are biologically designed to not think or process the pain that they would cause upon a host.
The sun glared into the kitchen lighting up all surfaces. As it hit my skin no hope for the day or tomorrow had crawled up my being but like a glacier of ice I sat in silence.
I had been so in love and the fragments of a loving tale was stuck in my head on repeat as if my mind would not let go of the past. I thought that time made things better but I was still enamored with a love that had died in the most brutal sense. My friends had spoken to me over the break of how time would mend what was broken. Somehow time would ease the pain that lingered like an excruciating injury.
As the sun’s rays had made its way up my cold thighs and shimmered past my chest to land directly on my face, I could not help but wonder if what I felt was right. Had I processed my emotions right and if I did why was I still in the same state of unawareness.
“Layla are you in here?” A soft voice boomed through the hallway pulling me out of my state of self introspection.
“I’m in the kitchen” I had finally trailed out knowing that my time of self empathy and isolation had come to an end.
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere! What are you doing?” Hanna stepped into the kitchen almost relived to see the brightly light room.
“Nothing.” I lied as she pulled some water out of the fridge.
“I’m so happy that there’s some sunlight seeping through somewhere in this place.” Hanna walked over handing me a bottle of water.
I climbed off the kitchen counter,slamming my bare foot onto the cold tiled floor sending a small sharp pain up my leg as my landing was completely awkward. The physical pain that had flowed up my nerves had not sent a piece of relief to my broken heart.
“Layla why are you hiding away?” Hanna asked with a concerned expression on her face. I had know that she would ask me that question eventually as that’s all anyone ever wondered.
I had locked myself away in my old childhood home making sure I was alone. I could not remember the last time I had stepped outside for fresh air or spoken to another living being. Some might have thought my isolation was that of a maniac.
I looked at her almost perplexed as to what to say or think towards her. Have you ever had that moment where words don’t seem to amount up to you’re emotions and so you just lay still and silent.
“Layla?” Hanna glared me down pushing for an answer I didn’t seem to have. I could have told her it felt right and that where I was felt perfect for me in every way. The hiding and silence left me feeling relieved in a way, as I didn’t have to tell anyone that the most important part of my life was gone and over. And that me not talking about my broken relationship out loud would keep my belief that there would still be hope or a chance of things getting back togeather.
I know I was in denial and that what I had chosen to do was in fact the wrong thing. What do you do when all you see is reminders of hurt and pain washing over you in every direction, other than runaway.
I had know who I was before we had gotten together but now that the relationship was over I couldn’t remember who I was. Did I really like the their favorite bands music or was I a hardcore indie fan? My favorite ice cream flavor seemed to have faded and been replaced with cherry sorbet and vegan caramel fudge.
“Am I a vegan?” I blurted out at Hanna who was lost at my request.
“Why are you asking if you’re a Vegan?” Hanna laughed as she attempted to understand the change of topic.
“It’s just that Cody was vegan and I don’t know if I’m vegan now that we’re not together.” I pushed the water bottle around the counter waiting for an answer.
“I don’t know that’s something you should know Layla.”
I knew Hanna was right how could she know what my lifestyle was especially now that I had to figure things out on my own.
“On my won.” I let the words slip out unintentionally. I was alone now, all choices were up to me now. No second opinions just my own indecisiveness…