There was something about the sky that had gotten me thinking…things would be different. That I would understand the things that had happened the night before, like I would somehow awake to a moment of reflection and understanding. The night was my place of clarity and calmness, it was the soothing voice of my mother reminding me that I would climb out of the destressed state of awareness.
I counted out the stars attempting to accumulate as much as I could without taking a breath or blinking because in that moment I believed. I believed that my breath would take away my access to the world and possibilities of dreams. That I would lose the stars if I turned away like I had lost my sight. They say your eyes adjust when you’re in complete darkness that the empty black space becomes distinguishable hues. My eyes had dilated in an attempt to understand what I could see but couldn’t feel or understand completely.
The stars flickered away above my head moving at a constant speed, leaving me behind. I felt like an astronaut who had lost an attachment to the control centre and now was forced to wonder the black vacuum we call space. “Are you going to keep staring up at the sky…You know there’s no answers up there? It’s stupid to believe in things like wishing on a star or you know…” Andy had taken up the empty space that surrounded me with no invitation he had begun to divulge his own truth. People had always seemed to love giving me information that I hadn’t asked for, did I have a sign or symbol attached to me that said this girl she needs assistance because she doesn’t get what life is all about. I had decided to sit outside the hall in the cold field to get away from all the unwanted advice that seemed to follow me about like the black plague. I was calm but yet my heart seemed to be racing away from me and I knew it was because my mind couldn’t understand why…Why It was so hard for me to be okay.
I had always been okay but that morning I had awaken and the world seemed to have fallen apart. It was as if the world had eaten itself whole. You know that ancient symbol of the snake eating away at its on tail, the “Ouroboros”. My mind had composed an understanding or some sort of reasoning to why I had fallen into the cycle of life and death. I was flooded with an overwhelming sensation of darkened emotions as my mind had begun to see the world in monochrome. I was eating away at myself and becoming my own destructor. “I know it’s stupid and that there is no point. Maybe just for a moment I want to believe…I want to believe that there’s so much more to life and that how we get to the end doesn’t matter. All that matters is the story we write.” I had finally responded to Andy who felt out of ease as he tried to understand what I was trying to say.
Andy never liked the unknown or the unanswered because science had always given him the formula to all problems but it limited his views. He couldn’t understand the reasoning or feelings behind his own fear on a deeper level because he could only understand its surface. Nobody likes diving into the deep end of a pool that’s filled with dark blackened emotions. I could see why he held onto his science like a life raft unable to swim without it and I held onto the stars up above like my only chance at life. We all have our limits and attachments, preventing us from moving or changing into another person. Andy held his hand out to me attempting to pull me out of my chosen space like he could somehow become my life raft and pull me from the deep end that I had chosen to explore. I was never afraid of the dark or the emptiness that lived within my body because it reminded me of all the things that I needed to fill up and this made me think of my life as being worthwhile but Andy had never found his reason to live. I had become his will and reason to move forward in life because he couldn’t see into the future on his own.
“We can’t stay out here forever!” he proclaimed in an anxious tone that had made me realize his discomfort in the cold field. It had reminded him of days from his past where he had lost his will. His will of reason and fight had shrunken into a tiny ball that was almost invisible but still tactile. I turned to look at him and all I could see was a man who couldn’t understand why he felt the way he did. His eyes flickered with faint streaks of stardust burning out, he was lost. “Look at the sky Andy!” I had yelled at him to look at what I saw, the bright stars constantly moving and the dark sky ever changing. “It’s burning gas Kaylee! Just gas in the sky that’s burning out and nothing more.” A part of me had sunk as he reminded me that the magic I saw was nothing more than science at its best. The empty burning emotions within me reminded me that these things he couldn’t see or feel didn’t make them less real for me and what the stars gave me was hope. Hope that tomorrow would be better and that my life was a complex equation that hadn’t been finished.
I remained on the cold grass looking up at him with eyes and body filled with hope as he stood rigid and cold, completely empty in the darkness.