It feels like I’ve done this a thousand times.
I smile and laughed my way to the grave in order to make my passing feel okay for you and them.
I struggled to survive a day or make my way to happy skies.
I want to speak my truth but fear is a hold of me
I see your eyes glazing over my words and thoughts as I attempt to open the flood doors
Even though I know I’m not alone as I sink to the bottom of these deadly emotions. I pray to hear that I am not the only one unable to breathe or walk within the sun.
My self-drowning has left me on edge and out of place as I am unable to find my footing in any direction. I find myself looking up for a helping hand only to see a swirling wind of self-hatred and discomfort weighing me down.
Left alone to feel out my emotions that hold so tight, sinking every piece of my flesh and soul to the darkest recess of the world, erasing my existence.
The ideas that form me have now turned into a mean killing machine. A machine unable to stop pointing out my failures and weakness.
I have become the gun wielding madman pointing and shooting down thousands with words of violence and cries of help.
My body emptied out from bottled discomforts I wait for my final breath but there no escape from the agony that’s built.
I clime up unimaginable heights and smile so bright for endless days.
Now I sit so low in the sun’s shade unable to smile or scream as my lips have frozen shut unable to speak their truth or unwilling to cry out as stigmas hold me tight.