As we stand looking out into the burning field of red, our youth. I know that what we see is everything we aren’t. The vibrant red, our lost youth. The empty space, our state of mind. All the things we’ve lost cover the horizon like a sickeningly dark cloud hanging over our hearts. Here we stand at the edge of a crimson art piece in the most peaceful silence. A silence so deadly calming almost killing off all confusion and mind clarifying. The truth we know is highlighted so clearly, that this is our last step out of the labyrinth.
I can feel Amaya’s pulse rising with every breath as the pain of letting go settles in her. This wasn’t supposed to be our ending but who really knows their own true ending.
“I know you think less of me now that you know I’m not afraid.” Amaya whispers to me as a gust of wind sends our hair flying in every direction. I look at her calmly as I asses her position and for the first time I’m unable to clearly determine how she feels or what she thinks.
Amaya is the type of person who goes out of the way to help others. She gives so much of herself to others and at times I had wished to have her selflessness but I had watched her get burnt so many times and found that her willingness to give to be a some kind of weakness.
The wind finally settles as I attempt to pull my curls into a pony. I see Amaya looking at me from the corner of my eye and I know that I terrify her because I see things she can’t understand. The things that she finds frightening have become my natural state of mind. I watch the grass shift side to side as her pulse disappears in a flash.
“You’re afraid but aren’t ready to show it.” Amaya finally mutters calmly as the blades of grass cut into our flesh, making sure that we are aware of the time that’s ahead of us.
“I’m not afraid!” I assure her as I calm myself.
Letting go is never easy as it’s shown on computer screens and in movies. I can feel my skin itch with an electrical pulses of fear as it daunts on me that this would be our last time together. They say animals release certain pheromones when they are distressed. I wonder if people would be able to see my hidden fears if I scanned my body within this moment. Would they be able to watch them expel out of me like a tsunami completely unstoppable. I watch as Amaya drifts away from me, making her way towards the blistering unknown. I know I need to follow her but what’s the point when the end is so close and clear. My mind begins to question whether or not I should stay with her to keep her calm or maybe I should follow her so we can take our last gasp of air together.
One thing is very clear to me, loneliness frightens me more than knowing my own end. The idea of my personal space turning against me with twisted ideas of hatred and dislike makes me puke instantly bringing Amaya’s attention to me and distracting us from the craziness that we got ourselves in.
“Are you okay?” She grabs onto my arms holding me up with all the strength she can muster.
“I don’t know. “ I look up at her not sure of what to say. I find myself in complete silence as I cannot see how to tell Amaya that I’m so afraid of being alone that the idea of it has caused me to react uncontrollably. How do you describe your own haunting feelings to someone when you know their world is crumbling around them as well?
I can feel Amaya heart racing as her chest rests against my arm and its ferocious rhythmic pattern creates a bubble of comfort, pulling all our anxious thoughts and feelings away for just a moment. As we stand holding each other in our arms I can feel time ticking by at super speed. Amaya and I stand in silence holding onto each other like two survivors waiting for the world to end. We attempt to avoid toppling over in our weekend state.
“We’re going to have to move forward at some point. We can’t just stand here forever. “I look into Amaya’s eyes and find myself lost with no control as her commands leave me out of place. I had wished that our moment of silence and understanding could have lasted longer but I know deep within that she’s right and I was stalling. I was afraid and I couldn’t admit it, is this how a soldier feels on a battle field as they are aware of impending danger but are not allowed to show any fear.
I pull away from Amaya at my slowest speed as my body is reluctant to let go of the comfort it’s found. “I know Amaya your right.” I finally move forward, stepping over my vomit that had seeped into the ground almost disappearing away. I can feel my fingertips detaching from her hand as I continue to move forward with her a step behind.
I close my eyes as I attempt to push the panic away and move forward into the unknown. A flash of light hovers over my eyes like sunlight touching your face on a cold day. My eyes open to my empty room as the feelings of loneliness simmer down and panic disappears. I can see the sun shining into my room and the green trees swaying as I realize that I’m not ready to let go and that life is filled with uncertainty just as death is filled with the unknown.
“Amaya are you okay?” I hear my mother calling out to me from behind me. Her voice is sweet and filled with happiness, I find it pulling me out of my empty space allowing me to turn and see her arms reaching out to me and I know that this is real comfort.