Cold sweat had dripped off her body causing her to become aware of the misleading human interactions that had occupied her mind. Her body seemed to be burning up with pure irritation and unspoken truths.
Anastasia had felt the cold blood trickle down her fingers staining them completely, marking her as a suspect within her tormented dream. This was the second night she saw her self-drenched within a man’s blood. she just couldn’t understand why she was haunted by his death like a guilty party, when she believed that she had nothing to do with his slashed up bloody corps. She had wandered if this was her mind calling out its self-hatred.
“Hey are you okay?” Her mom whispered towards her causing Anastasia to flick her eyes wide open in destress. Her racing heart is brought back down to a calm rest as she sees the somewhat familiar surroundings of her mother’s dingy old one room apartment.
“Yeah…I’m okay mom.”
It had been clear that Anastasia was far from okay as her face was washed out and her eyes were very much dilated as if she had seen a ghost. Her mom knew that things were getting worse as the nightmares had seemed to increase within the past few days that she let Anastasia crash on her couch.
“Are you sure? Ana you don’t look okay.” Mary inquired handing a glass of cold tap water over to her daughter who she had been estranged to for almost seven years. She had gotten Anastasia when she was pretty young and had no plans or ideas for her own life. Mary couldn’t see herself giving away her daughter but yet didn’t have much guilt over leaving her for months and years on end.
“Look I’m okay!” Anastasia grabbed the glass and gulped the water avoiding eye contact. “Mom I came for a couch not for a Therapist okay.” She retorted without one glimmer of guilt or pity towards her mother.
There was an air of displeasing silence that filled the tiny room as the two women sat at odds with each other.
“Okay Ana I was just wanting to help you.” Her mother finely uttered as she had gotten to her feet.
“Why mom? You never helped me before so why now?”
Mary had looked at Anastasia in hopes to understand where her daughter’s dislike of her came from. The thing about mother and daughter relationships is that they are a complicated ones. They can either go one of two ways, either there’s an unlimited amount of love and support or complete neglect and distrust. Mary and Anastasia couldn’t seem to make up time or find any time for each other in their lives and therefore where constantly floating between friendship and hatred.
Anastasia had decided to seek out her mother as things had gotten difficult for her and she couldn’t seem to find a place to be that had no strings attached. She remembered where her mother lived before they had become estranged. Ana had grown up fast and saw first had that parents were just people with a lot of responsibilities. Responsibilities that her mother and unknown father had failed to uphold. She knew just how unreliable parents could be from her mother’s lack of support, love or attention which had left her constantly looking and wanting for more.
When Ana was able to pack a bag and leave her mother’s drug ridden body there was no hesitation and so she left and began figuring things out on her own. Ana had grown into a strong belief that everyone would fail her just as her mother and father had done and so she needed to become her own support and cheerleader.
“Anastasia why do you say such a thing to me. I have been there for you all your life and I’ve supported you in every way.” Mary was sure of her parenting skills and of the love she gave but the words were utter lies to her daughter and did nothing more but stir feelings of hate and abandonment within her.
“Are you kidding!!? You left me to go on drinking benders and I had to raise myself.” Tears fell from Anastasia as her emotions had gotten the better of her. It seemed that their silent truce had come to an end as Mary tossed her daughters glass against the brick wall. Sending water splashing on the cold cement.
“I need you to leave! Right now!” Mary yelled out in frustration as she stared straight past Anastasia. This request had not surprised Ana in any way. She expected nothing less than neglect from her mother when things began to cause any feelings of conflict. This wasn’t the first time she had been kicked out from the place that was meant to be her home.
“Fine I’m going.” Ana got up from the couch and began to rumple her belongings into her old sling leather satchel. She turned to look at Mary in search of a glimpse of her mother but nothing popped out of the bitter cold blue eyes of Mary.
“You know this isn’t my fault…I never asked for this. This whole situation is your fault Ana.” Mary muttered out as she handed Anastasia her old coat that had been crumpled up under the coach. Anastasia stared down her mother in confusion as she grabbed her coat back and tossed it over her shoulders.
“I know everything is my fault Mary. I’m sorry I ever put you in this position.” She responded sarcastically.
The clock chimed in 3:00am as tiny rays of sunlight creeped into the tiny apartment. Ana turned to face the big window that filled most of the apartment and overlooked the empty streets of the city. “Don’t forget your phone.” Mary reminded Ana, pointing at the cracked phone.
No words were spoken as Ana had packed the last of her things and headed out of her mother’s place with no idea where to head next. She had nowhere else to go as her mother’s was her last resort at finding a place to stay safe…